well glad you asked :/

I will be putting a big effort into getting this bathroom finished, with an eye on new jobs, have  few bites. geting excited about the shower, we bought a 12″ shower deal with a wand, good reviews, got the tiles picked out, just have to run some more plumbing and wires, but the end is near, just have to push a little harder, then a nice jacuzzi tub and shower, I was going to put in 2 shower heads, but this 12 incher should be wonderful. the kids are all doing ok, feel detached, like life is not fair, they all have their own lives, what use am eye? has been washed up old man, perhaps dying, perhaps a hypochondriacs , perhaps going to live a long time? I have no Idea. I have been taking some meds, without supervision, the Indian center, just writes a prescription, not much doctoring, but from what I was, mislead at best. got some meds from Austraila, or Austria  :d

I have been having some “different” dreams, My uncle Fred, has been in a couple, my dad, is always popping up, I even had my brother John in one. I feel like he is john now, as I dont really know him anymore as Tollak. funny, and weird.

I am still pretty messed up with the whole daughter deal, not in a bad way, well not really, just incomplete, like im being cheated out of life.  almost in a cruel way, here are you grandkids and your daughter, but your can not have a relationship with any of them, just look dont touch, well not touch, but go hiking, teach them things, I love to do fun things, build them up, laugh with them. love them, I do, but from afar, almost not even real. I feel a deep empty in my heart. I am like a wounded animal of sorts, a wound that never heals.

I have two families, but none, I have Mary and John, but are we on the same path?

sad to think of a different path. I am torn apart inside. why can I not have my cake and eat it too? WHY? why?

sad  nobody else matters.  I can only push ahead and keep living paying working, blindly ahead. I have no idea if I am only a token or if I would even be welcome. life is so complicated. why cant I just be happy watching TV and eating pies, and  die  fat dumb and happy, is that the future?

on the thyroid note, still experimenting, still exercising, still repairing my brain, trying to learn all my children and grandchildren birthdates with the Major method, pesky, pesky, I have a vague idea of all of them, but it is a weird system.