you can hardly go through life, without someone pushing their shame on you. whether it be their view of your religion, lack of religion, lifestyle, or your past, I know that is a tool, my family tries to use all the time. whether it is beefing up false charges, spreading rumors, the gamut goes on, the list is long, and I have done my share of stupid things, but you know what, I have no shame for all the bullshit that is pointed in my direction, not the man whoring, the fighting, or even my drunken jail times. no shame, I do not deny, I was an asshole, with little regard for myself or others, I was the product of my environment. Sure, maybe some of you got out, without a blemish, with the same background, well nobody has the same, exact background. but you get my drift, no my shame, was different.
I grew up ashamed, ashamed of not having a father, when the other kids did, I did not see the ones, that also didn’t only what I did not have, I grew up ashamed of being poor. I grew up ashamed of living in a pink house, the worst shame that I had growing up was, wetting the bed until I was 13 years old!
shame, on things that I had no control over, I had been to church school, but that did not help. I remember I was a choir boy at St. Stephen’s church in Newhall California, I just remember having to pass a test, that never came, no all the specifics was not helpful, even these days, when I hear someone pushing some gospel story, or bible verse, instead of strengthening my belief, it tears it down in some kind of peripheral way, hard to describe, perhaps it is the way it was used in the past to subjugate, peoples of all races, but especially when it comes to my Native heritage. I know it is a tool in War, get everyone on the same page with the same beliefs, and you have a loyal army. Is the intent to create mindless sheep? I wonder. I do not believe they are doing it maliciously, but ignorantly, if you think, you can bring someone to God, or Jesus, by throwing scripture at people, that will never work. getting down to the shelters, giving people hope, through beliefs, fostering children, perhaps, Good Works, Not Good Words, words have no meaning without works. The shame of not having the stuff other kids had, like fancy skateboards, Nice BMX bikes, we had skateboards, and bikes, but they were no comparison to the top of the line, that other kids had. the only thing I had that set me apart was my god given looks and my penchant for fisticufs. I do feel shame for somethings that I did as a kid, I was a bully, witch was fueled by my anger, and self loathing pity for myself, plus I was often had my brain touched by a blade of grass stuffed up my nose. It was learned, I could sense fear, like a dog does, I still can, not sure, does everybody have this sense? No fear you were left alone, fear, I would pick on you, these times, did not go on an on into adulthood, no they slowly backed off. the last time, I punched someone who was not fighting was in my early 20’s after that, they were all mutual fights, where both were combatants, the result of a bar life. NO, I will not be shamed by anyone, my adult shame, waking up in my own excrement, 2 occasions, nothing so mind numbing as crappy as waking up in your own shit, or sleeping with some real doozers, but you learn to forget, what else can you do? this is the worst I have, if ever you needed or wanted a reason to h8t on me, make sure it is real. here is one last one, I should not share, but who cares anymore, most are just trying to make it through life on life’s terms.